Gentle Parenting vs. Traditional Parenting: A Word to Today’s Young Mother

Every new mom wants to do a better job at parenting than her parents. Even if she had a great childhood experience, There is something (and it’s good and right) inside us all to improve on our experiences.

Gentle Parenting, coined by Dr. William Sears in the late 1980s, was gaining popularity when I was obtaining a psychology degree in the 90’s. It’s based on the premise that parents should respond to their child’s needs with empathy and understanding, instead of using punitive methods such as spanking or negative consequences. It is currently a trendy parenting style. It’s easy to see why: it appeals to our sensitivities and feelings and has some valid considerations. I think it also emerged when it did as a counter-reaction to parents who had, for example, adopted a harsh “sit down and shut up” parenting style from previous generations.

GP emphasizes recognizing the limitations of a child’s emotional development and allowing them to “run their course” instead of responding negatively.

I think parenting styles are a discussion we need to be having. As older women, if we have the opportunity, we can help younger moms navigate through the challenges of motherhood to experience the greatest joy possible and create the best outcomes for their children.

As I have observed this method practised over the years, while there is validity to some of the core philosophies, I see a few major problems:

Imbalances.

No one denies that we should be parenting with empathy and showing respect to our children, making allowances for a lack of development and growth. That’s common sense. Loving parents, regardless of their parenting style, would agree. One of the problems I see with the GP method is that in an attempt to show respect, maintaining parental authority is seen as negative. “Authority” has become almost a bad word in this camp. There are three problems with that:

1. The Bible teaches us to be in loving authority over our children. (Colossians 3:20, Hebrews 13:17, Ephesians 6, etc.) The right authority is good for them and knowing there are firm boundaries makes them feel safe. God knew this. His ways are always good.
2. When a parent hasn’t maintained authority, he creates havoc for himself and the child. Children need the guidance and authority God has given to parents precisely because they are learning and crave direction and the safety of knowing who is in charge. Imagine taking a journey through the mountains and your Sherpa decides you need to lead the expedition and he’ll just be there to support you. It would be terrifying!
3. We are under authority our entire lives and a denial of learning to submit to ordained authority has grave consequences. We are under civil authority, local authority, authority at work, church–in every sphere of life. Authority is a good and necessary component of a healthy society and we must teach our children, from birth, to submit to healthy authority.

The false idea that discipline is just teaching–it should not involve pain.

If you are a Christian mom, you will know your Bible doesn’t support this facet of GP.

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,  and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. ”Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:6-11

We are instructed, from Scripture to train and disciple our children. But sometimes discipline that trains is painful. Sin has consequences. If a child doesn’t learn that sin produces pain and death, as he gets older, those real consequences could quite literally destroy him. We are charged with the task of teaching him–even through discipline and rebuke (negative consequences)–while he is in the safety of our care.

To do otherwise is to decisively NOT love your child. (“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Proverbs 13:24)

Misunderstanding Emotion and Manipulation

This one is big and tough. If no one has told you, your children are quite capable of manipulation from a very young age. They learn how to use emotion to their advantage, even if they can’t articulate the behaviour. A child whose parents understand the importance of establishing authority will help guide their children to learn to control their emotions. This is not squelching a child’s feelings. There is a time and place for listening and allowing children to express themselves.

But we must be discerning. Just whining, crying or fussing over being asked to eat or to do some other ordinary and necessary thing should not result in a battle of the wills (or if it does, a parent needs to win it.) In most cases (there are exceptions) a child can easily understand when his excessive emotional whims are not going to be tolerated. The result? A much happier child and parent!

“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left undisciplined brings his mother to shame.” Proverbs 29:15

Children need love. Tenderness. Affection. Smiles. Hugs. They also need direction and boundaries. They are happiest and feel the safest when they know mom and dad are in charge and are guiding them in the way they should go, are not letting themselves be manipulated, and are providing a safe, healthy home where loving authority is in place. This is God’s way and the only way to joyful parenting.

For a more in-depth look into the problems with Gentle Parenting (especially for Christians), I think this video did an excellent job at mining some of the more specific problems we hand our children if we adopt this method. (Hint: GP fails to teach our children the fundamentals of sin and how to deal with their inherent guilt over sin.)