Generation Cedar

I turn 40 in a little over a month–deep breath–and I had just had a conversation with some friends recently about the strange phenomenon of age and what child bearing looks like when you’ve given your fertility over to the Lord, and what it feels like to realize your child-bearing years may be coming to an end.

Now understand, when I only had a few children, I used to imagine that mothers of large families gleefully anticipated “being done”, with some kind of big *sigh*. And since I’ve had babies very steadily for the last two decades, there hasn’t been a lot of time to think about not having babies.

I was telling my friend that I had never had a miscarriage but I also was feeling, for the first time, the impending reality that very soon I would be done with the ability to create life. Heavy.

My children have been asking for about three months if I am going to have another baby. It’s such a bizarre thing that some people feel sorry for my children because they don’t think they could possibly “get enough attention”. My kids–every one of them–are so in love with babies, and so in love with the idea of another life that they can’t wait.

So it was with great joy that we were able to tell the kids a few days ago we were expecting. The dropped mouths, wide eyes, giddy laughs while bouncing up and down–you really had to see it. Beautiful, the way these kiddos love life. That’s the theology of “children are a gift”, un-jaded by man’s opinion.

Two days later, I began to miscarry. A completely new experience for me. Only a few days of the knowledge of a new life and they are a part of our family. We are naming, imagining, and dreaming of new born skin. To lose the baby is to lose a member of our family, even this early, and to pack up those new dreams and put them away.

I was unprepared for the way it would affect my children. I expected disappointment, but they’re children. I figured they’d say, “Aw…” and then skip off to play. But they cried. Long and hard. And after a few hours of not crying, they’d start crying again. My eight year old Avalee, after her first bout with tears, saw me several hours later, came and threw her arms around me, and sobbed again.

We are no strangers to loss. We’ve learned a lot over the past year about holding things loosely. But people are different. It hurts. But feeling pain in the night is a necessary part of knowing joy in the morning.

And then there’s a peace that comes because we gave this to Him a long time ago. We acknowledged that He is the Creator of life, the Opener and Closer of the womb, the One who gives and the One who takes away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

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72 Responses

  1. Oh Kelly, I am so very sorry to hear about your miscarriage! I will be praying that God comforts your family during this time. I know how you feel about mourning the fact that we may be done with our child-bearing years. I went through that this year. Only after two weeks of finally coming to complete peace about carrying no more children in my womb and being content with the children I have, I found out that I was expecting again! Just leave it in God’s hands, as I know you already have. God bless you and your beautiful family. Kristin

  2. I’m so sorry about your loss. My mom lost our little Timothy last year in a late-term miscarriage at six months along…it was a completely heartbreaking experience. She is in her mid forties as well and we’ve had to come to terms that it may be “over”. We have eleven here on earth and people find it hard to believe that we are actually disappointed that we may be “done”. Praying for you and your family.

  3. Kelly,
    My heart goes out to you! And your dear little ones. Each and every life the Lord brings to a family is such a treasure. Even though you are not be able to hold this baby this side of heaven, He has given you the gift of an eternal soul! I will pray that He provides peace in the hope of eternity spent with the tiny one He has chosen to bring home. His ways are not our ways, and He is always faithful. May God comfort you even as you comfort your dear children. Hugs to you all.

  4. Dear Kelly,
    I endured a miscarriage with my first pregnancy several years ago. Since then, we have been blessed with four sons. At age 32, I am wondering how many years more I will be able to bear also. The thing that gave me the most comfort in our loss, was realizing that I was the Lord’s vessel to usher a soul into eternity, and who was created to live in eternity only. God wanted that soul to live in heaven, never experiencing the hurts and pains of this life. My baby was created FOR heaven, heaven alone. And wondering how many babies there may be there, that I will get to meet someday!! I appreciate your ministry to ladies here, Kelly, even as you go through tough times. Many, many, many ladies have lost precious ones in this way, we understand, we’ve cried many days! ((HUGS))

  5. Kelly, I am so sorry. There is nothing worse than losing a child. Nothing. No matter how young that child is.

    I lost my second child at 6 weeks gestation. And while I was grateful that, due to the earliness of the pregnancy, I was able to suffer through it without the added suffering of medical procedures, I was so heartbroken to lose my baby so soon after having learned of his or her existence. I was so sorrowful that I never even knew whether my baby was a boy or a girl, couldn’t name him or her or bury him or her–though I know we will be reunited in Heaven. At the time, my daughter was so young, and the miscarriage was SO early that we hadn’t told her. I cannot imagine the hearbreak of seeing your other children’s tears. Yet, what a blessing that you have so many loved ones to grieve with. So many people keep their miscarriages a secret. Bless you for sharing your story here!! I know it is blessing others right now.

    Praying for your recovery and for your heart.

    In Christ,
    Bethany

  6. I’m so sorry. I know how it feels and will pray for you. I just turned 40 myself and can hardly imagine no more babies. Thank you for the reminder that giving our childbearing to Him means accepting “No more.” as peacefully as “Another one?”

  7. I’ll be praying for you and your family. While miscarriage is more likely as we grow older, it doesn’t mean our childbearing years are necessarily at end. My last was born at 42 and a dear friend just had a little girl at 47. I know of another mother who gave birth at 49 and one at 51. The Lord can bless how and when he chooses.
    I’m sorry to hear of your loss and hope you will experience that peace that passes all understanding during this time of grieving.

    Victoria

  8. Kelly, know you have a sister in Christ out west praying for you and your family. I don’t need to know a family personally for the news of their loss through miscarriage to bring tears to my own eyes. But then again, it is no loss. God did give you another child, and your children another sibling, only he or she is going to be waiting for you all in heaven. What a beautiful blessing that child is and will be for all of eternity!

    Blessed is the name of the Lord, indeed.
    Love,
    Melissa

  9. You and your family continue to be in our prayers, Kelly. I’ll say an extra prayer for Avalee. She is close in age to the age my oldest daughter was when I had my first miscarriage (age nine). My daughter, when we told the children that our baby had died (they’d known for a couple weeks that I was pregnant), screamed and ran from the room. She cried a lot, she was so heartbroken. The thing that most brought her comfort was to be able to “see” the baby. I was aware when I delivered the baby, about a week and a half after I started miscarrying, and showed her, at her request, the amniotic sac. We couldn’t see the baby inside of it, but could feel where s/he was in the sac. That was very comforting to our daughter and helped her grieving process immensely.

    I got pregnant with that baby the month after I turned 40, so I know what you mean about pondering age and fertility. My four pregnancies in my 20s and 30s went normally, but out of the four pregnancies I’ve had in my 40s, two of those babies went home to the Lord in my first trimester.

    Kelly, I’m glad to hear you’re naming the baby. You are right that our babies become a part of our family before they are born; naming them, even when we won’t hold them this side of eternity, affirms their humanity and points to our Creator and His gift of His children to us, no matter how long they are with us. We named our miscarried babies, as you know, and it was good for our healing process to be able to speak of our babies by name.

    Peace, love and blessings to you and yours, Kelly.

  10. I am so very sorry for your loss! 🙁 Praying for you and your family. I have 6 babies with Jesus and 2 here on earth with me. There will always be a piece of heart made of glass. Love and hugs!

  11. My heart aches for you. I always wanted a huge family – but I only have 4 here on earth. I’ve lost 5 babies – 4 between 6 and 8 weeks, and one at 12 weeks. The first one I lost within hours of finding out, I was devastated. I have several nieces and nephews close to the ages mine would have been had they lived (except my first one) and my heart aches wondering if mine are girls or boys and what they would have been like. I find a great peace in watching my substitute kids growing up. They have a special place in my heart.

    I just turned 44. My youngest will be 3 in a few months. I marvel that she is mine. I know it is unlikely that I’ll have another one – possible – but unlikely. But after her birth, I have had such a peace about it. Before my heart would sob whenever I saw a new baby, or a large family. But God has finally given me a peace about my family being complete. Of course I would readily welcome a surprise. (Although with my husband out of a job for 4 years and living on money from reffing and odd jobs – I no longer pray for any more – only that God would provide for the ones he has given us.)

    Huge hugs. I pray God will comfort you and your family during your loss. Remember to take care of yourself.

  12. Bless you for sharing this experience. I’m only about a month past my first miscarriage. I feel complete peace about it and do not cry in the communication about it (which reveals the depth of my healing to me)… I have struggled with the opening and closing of the womb and feel greater peace in hearing/reading others refer to it. I’m “only” 36 and hope very much for more children. My Mom had already begun her long change by my age…. It’s interesting stuff. This life!

  13. Praying for you and for your family as you grieve the loss of this precious gift.

    I too just turned 40 and have been contemplating the end of my child-bearing years. The fact that our last two children have been spaced significantly farther apart than our first 9 is a reminder that this season of my life will be drawing to a close.

    Our children also pray and long for the blessing of new life and Mark and I are now more conscious to remind them that each baby is a precious and special gift from God and that there will come a day when we will have our last baby.

    A week from today I will, Lord willing, give birth to our 11th child. What an amazing gift.

    God is good. He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. May He bless your family abundantly beyond all you could ask or think.

  14. Kelly,
    Thank you for sharing, I’m praying for you and your family. I think children in larger families love and appreciate babies more than any one else. My older children ask expectantly all the time when God will give us another baby, they never get enough! God Bless You

  15. Kelly, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I want to thank you (yet again!) for your transparency during this time. I only know two other families personally that allow God to control their fertility and I often wonder what fertility will look and feel like as I approach 40. (I am approaching 30 now.) Prayers for your family!

  16. I’m so sorry for your loss. I will continue to lift the Crawford family in prayer. Like you, I never thought moms of many would grieve the end of their child bearing years. However, now that I’m approaching 40 early next year I’m trying to imagine what the new “season” of not bearing children will be like. Definitely going to be an adjustment! May our great God give you peace and comfort during this time. Much love to you all!!

  17. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it’s like. I’m in the position you were in, having had 7 children, but no miscarriages, yet knowing that I am likely to have one eventually, especially as I’m not yet 30. I can’t imagine. {hug}

  18. Kelly,

    I am so sorry friend. A quote from one of my favorites:
    “I have learned to hold all things loosely, so that God does not have to pry them out of my hands.” Corrie ten Boom This is the world the Jeffers now live in nothing is yours until its yours and even then it’s ONLY God’s. So when our little girl has the last name Jeffers she still will be – God’s – and his alone. Sorry that you have had so many lessons over the last few years in this but this is a good thing. It says to me that you can be trusted with much! And HE obviously trust you ! 😉

  19. Oh Kelly…I’m so sad to hear this news. It brings back many sad memories. I had two losses before I turned 40…but when I turned 40, I was so fearful of an increase in losses. Sure enough…I’ve lost three more babies in the last 5 years. BUT…I’ve given birth to three babies as well. There is a sweetness in the loss. That is hard for some to understand…but I know you have likely already experienced that…and will continue to as time goes on. God is very near to a mother grieving a baby. And there are riches to mine in that pit. I will pray you find them. I love you, my friend!

    1. “There is a sweetness in the loss. That is hard for some to understand…but I know you have likely already experienced that…and will continue to as time goes on. God is very near to a mother grieving a baby. And there are riches to mine in that pit.”

      Truer words could not be spoken, Natalie.

  20. I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I just experienced my first miscarriage as well just three weeks ago (it was twins). Each and every one of my girls (except for the 15 month old) took it a lot harder than I thought they would. They kept asking “why” and saying they want me to have more babies.

    I feel so blessed (and I know you do as well) that I have children who love children just as much as we do. It says a lot to those who believe we have too many that not only are our children happy, but they want more just as much as we do.

    I pray you are surrounded by people who are supportive of you during this time of loss. One thing I was told by many who have experienced miscarriage before is take rest afterward just as you do after giving birth. I was amazed at not only how much better my body healed after resting more, but also how my emotional state improved.

    God bless all you do with your family and on this site. You are a blessing to others, especially me.

  21. I have tearfully read all your comments, wishing I had the time and energy to respond to each one individually. So much hurt has been shared just in this thread! Know that I care so much for you ladies, most of whom I’ve never met, and it is deeply, deeply comforting to me, to know that I have you praying for us. Know that I pray for you too, and for the right words to say each time I sit down to write.

    We are in a sweet, peaceful time, and I thank you for understanding why I can’t reply to all your precious thoughts and words.

  22. So sorry for your loss, Kelly (and family). My heart breaks with you.
    We had five healthy pregnancies, with a baby born every other year. Then, at 37, I had two consecutive miscarriages. We were so very sad, yet, we continue to trust in Him. We have since had two more precious little ones (our 10-month-old was born two months before I turned 41).
    I will pray for you and your dear family. You have truly been a blessing to me. 🙂

  23. I am so sorry. You are right- these precious babies are already a part of the family and are missed deeply. I have lost 6 myself and the pain can be fresh any time I call on it. But please know time does help and you will see your baby again. Your child is alive with Christ!

  24. Oh Kelly! Sending my love and prayers to you and your family! May you be comforted by The Comforter in ways you have not already known! Praying you all feel His Holy Spirit through out your days like a warm hug from The Father Himself! Thank you for your transparency! It took a wise woman who had experienced her own loss to remind me not to keep our sweet babe at arms length!

  25. You and your family are in my prayers. A friend of ours just experienced a miscarriage at 16 weeks,as her family was responding online to some of the others loving comments, she reminded us that the baby’s passing wasn’t really a loss, because when you lose something you don’t know where it is. And we all know where ther precious little one and yours is, and the the One that holds them now had a purpose for their lives…no matter how short! I will still pray for the broken dreams and that the Lord will bring abundant joy to you and your family in the midst of them!

  26. I am 42, my youngest is almost 4 and I’ve had 4 miscarriages in the last 2+ years. We had six children in 10 years, all without any trouble, then it has all just stopped. When we turned our fertility over to the Lord, this was my biggest fear…that our childbearing years would end in multiple miscarriages. But I cling tightly to Lord’s comfort and love. Really, the hardest part is the attitude of others, who can’t understand why we keep “trying”. I am so sorry to hear that you have miscarried and I pray that your family is able to feel the Lord’s comfort around you.

  27. Kelly
    I am so sorry for your loss. I could’ve wrote this post. This past year I’ve had 3 losses and I, too, will be turning 40 next month. The impact on my children brings me to tears at times. A day doesn’t go by they don’t dream of having a new baby in the family, my heart breaks that I can’t give them that. I hold on to Mark 11:24 and believe God will give me the desire’s of my heart. I will be praying for you and your children. May God give you peace and comfort.
    Blessings, Heidi

  28. It is significant to realize that a grieving mother is never alone. Neither is her child. What I have struggled with is how to reconcile the numbers. I had six healthy babies and then lost our seventh at 14 weeks. We saw him, held him, named him, and buried him. He is a member of our family and I can say with great pride that we did not let this experience go along into the night. I came to a point where I realized that I have every right to talk about it and keep his place in our family intact. I have seven children, not six. And I take great comfort in knowing that our little one is with Jesus, helping to prepare for each of our home goings. Our sons eagerly await their first meeting with their little brother within the Lord’s arms. The book “Heaven is For Real” in both the adult and children’s versions have brought great healing and hope to our family. And unfortunately, time and prayer is the best way to make peace with it. No special process. We planted a tree in memoriam of our guy and we heal every day. There’s a line from the movie “Courageous” where the dad is grieving with his pastor. The pastor says to him, “We don’t have to find a way to move past a death. We learn to live with it much the way a person learns to live with an amputated arm.” In other words, it’s still a part of us, no matter what.

  29. I’m so sorry for your loss, Kelly. May God comfort you and your family during this time. Take the time you need to grieve. May “the morning” comes quickly, ushering in more joy than your hearts can hold. Until then, we hold you up in prayer.

  30. I pray for comfort in your loss, also.

    I lost one 16 years ago after two healthy pregnancies. Hubby would have insisted on stopping after that baby, but her loss made us both realize it wasn’t really our decision. I then birthed 6 more with no problems. #6 was born days before my 40th birthday. I then lost three. So heart breaking, but God taught me a lot with each one. When I found out I was prego again shortly after my 43 birthday, I prayed for God to take him early if He was going to take him (earlier miscarriages are easier than later ones physically as well as mentally). God replied “THIS child will rise up and call you blessed.” My mom told me “We need this baby.” And we have. He is healthy and beautiful, born ON his due date. I miss my other babies and look forward to seeing them in heaven, but I am sooo glad God let me keep this one.

    As far as child bearing days ending, I’m mixed. No more little babies? How horrible! But then, my oldest is 20. I’m not that far from grandkids. No more morning sickness, extra tiredness, weird dreams? I could live with that. I would rather never get pregnant again than to lose another one:-( But if God thinks we need another little one, that’s ok:-), though I’m good until grandbabies too. Content either way I guess. Maybe that is what God is really aiming for?

  31. Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and have lost a newborn – the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. It makes me so thankful for the children I have here on earth to raise.

  32. Kelly, I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. The loss of a child is heart-breaking, no matter when it happens or how many children you have. I do understand the angst that comes as the time of bearing children draws to an end, your “ability to create life”, as you so beautifully stated it. I am 41. I had a miscarriage last year, our first and only child. I am nearing the end of my child-bearing years, but yet with no children here on earth. However, I know that the loss of our loved ones (including our precious babies!) gives the Lord opportunity to show His sufficiency, as He ministers to us with grace, love and power. Let Him minister to you during this time and I pray that your family experiences His goodness and love more than ever!

    1. Oh Holly, I’m so sorry. Yet I’m happy for your faith and strength; I could use it. You could still definitely have a child, or even adopt.

  33. I’m truly sorry you lost the baby, Kelly, and that it hurt the kids so much. You may be able to have kids for another five years or even a little more; never know.

  34. Oh Kelly, I am so very sorry. I have followed your blog for quite sometime and have been so very blessed by it.

    I am so sorry for your loss, it is a heartbreaking time, I will lift your family in prayer. May you feel his love and comfort so strongly during this time.

  35. So sad for you. So sad for your children. I hope you are feeling ok. Children are gifts from God– to God. A soul was made, it is up in heaven, waiting for you… that is how I see each miscarrige, a gift from God to God.

  36. I’m so sorry Kelly. We lost a pregnancy (blighted ovum–there was no baby developed) two or three years ago and I was more devastated for my children than anything. Oh they were so hurt. I will say a prayer for you and your sweet children.

  37. I’m so sorry, Kelly. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage (or a pregnancy for that matter, God built our family through adoption), but I can relate on a certain level about age and children-bearing. I am 44 and we had an opportunity, but because of my age and health, we had to decline. That was very difficult. I cried. But… life has seasons and I think it’s important to embrace each new season and all it has to bring.

  38. Kelly I will pray for you and your family. I used to pray the Lord would never let me miscarry like other women because I never thought I could handle it. My fifth child went to be with the Lord at 10 weeks and although the pain is gone I still remember the way I cried as I miscarried. My mother just said “Oh, well you can always have another one” and “usually it’s God’s way of preventing a disabled baby from developing” I was floored. I couldn’t believe the insensitive and clinical way she was trying to comfort me. I do not agree with her comments BTW. God did carry me through and I no longer feel that pain, although it’s still sad when I think about it. I wish I could just give you a hug. You’re a strong woman and I know the Lord will heal you in time and your family. God Bless You Kelly, even though I have never personally met with you I feel a connectedness to you and I love you too.

  39. Dear Kelly, On July 22, I left these words for you: ““How can a place such as that be so painful and yet so glorious all at once?” I can identify with this statement! For me, the painful place was postpartum depression once. Another time, it was the stillbirth of a child. I wouldn’t trade those painful experiences for anything, because it was there that my Father met me so faithfully. I didn’t really understand that He was the “God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5) until I truly experienced His comfort in the midst of deep pain…” I was responding to your post about depression, but our Father is the God of all comfort in every circumstance! We have experienced 4 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, and along with the pain, we experienced the deep, deep love and comfort of our Father. He is faithful! Praying for you.

  40. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is always encouraging to hear others who have miscarried and are trusting the Lord through it. I got married 9 months ago and my husband and I have just lost our second child. Although if they’re with the Lord we haven’t truly lost them. But it is the most heart-wrenching experience to have a part of your heart torn out like that, and even if we have many children I know there will always be a pain in my heart. But the Lord is so faithful to use these difficult experiences to teach us, grow us, and draw us closer to Him. I can now say that I am so very thankful to the Lord for the blessing of those two children even if I can’t enjoy them here on earth. Blessings and peace to you and your family as you grieve the loss of your little one. Praise the Lord that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. If you haven’t heard Selah’s song called Audrey’s Song I would encourage you to listen to it. It’s beautiful. Also Psalm 34 has been a huge blessing to me through these miscarriages.

  41. Our family knows this pain too and I’m so very sorry your family has to experience it. God truly does give and take away and his name is to be blessed no matter what~~~but it’s a hard thing to go through. Especially when your sweet little ones’ hearts are breaking too!

    Hugs to you all,
    Mrs. Sarah Coller

  42. Dearest Kelly, we are all so sorry for your family’s loss!!! Praising God at the same time that our children welcome new members of the family with loving abandon! This “happened”:) to be the reading from Morning by Spurgeon on August 13th. We read this as a family and I thought of your precious family. We love you all and are so thankful for the amazing testimony to Christ you are. http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0813-am.html Praying for you all dear friend and missing you! Love and hugs, jen

  43. Kelly, I am humbled by your words and deeply saddened for your loss.

    Although I am a few years younger than you at 33, I have the same thoughts about the end of my fertility. I feel deeply convicted having participated in the feminist culture by choosing to delay starting a family and then spacing children further than they would have been naturally. We have a four year old daughter and a one year old son…. my heart feels as one is missing in between and many before.
    I could not see the implications of my selfishness at the time, but now feel the sting as my fertility still has yet to return.

    May God Bless you and your angel baby. xo

  44. Kelly, I am praying for you and your family. I miscarried at 11 weeks almost two years ago. I was amazed at how hard my then 6 year old son took it. I had a dream, prior to the miscarraige, that we had named our baby Sean(that spelling, too) a name we would not have picked. My son still talks about Sean on a regular basis and tells me how we will someday meet him in Heaven. Thank you for sharing something that a lot of women do not talk about.

  45. I so much appreciate you sharing this. Crying my eyes out. I turned 40 in February and have been in a panic because we want more children. We have 5 but for a long time our marriage wasnt good and dh was avoiding more children. We now have a wonderful marriage and are wanting as many children as the Lord will give us. Our youngest is almost 3yr. It has been scary because the world tells you it isnt safe or healthy or that the children will all be retarded etc but I’ve seen many wonderful large families and women in their forties giving birth to healthy babies. The Lord knows what he is doing either way.

    A month ago however, just before we were to announce to our children that we were sure a little one was on its way again, I miscarried. I was about 8 weeks along. Since we had not told the children we didnt tell them of the miscarriage. It was horrible to deal with it silently not to mention the physical pain I had to cope with while trying to put on a happy face. I love that little child though it was so young. I didn’t expect to be so emotional though. But the little bag of water broke while I was laying in bed…just like it did when I was about to deliver our previous child, but this time there was no joy. No welcoming into the world. Just the realization that that precious life was leaving me and our lives. But the Lord is good and does not create life for nothing. He has his purposes even in the brief life of one so young.

    I want to continue to try for more children (my midwife says to wait through at least a couple cycles before trying again) but I’m scared that I may miscarry again or that the Lord would not have more children for me. We will try again but considering the end of that ‘fertile season’ it is sad and hard to prepare for letting that go. Still…I’ve talked to gals who had a few more children between 40 and 45 🙂 Perhaps the Lord will grant it…

    I’ll always love that little one…I feel your pain and am so blessed to see the Love your children have for babies/life.

  46. Hi Kelly,

    I am so sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you.Although I have never had a miscarraige, I could so relate to what you said when you were talking about how your children were grieving. My children begged me for another baby also and when one did not come after years..and I finally had to tell them that I had been to the doctor(menopause confirmed) and there would be no more babies…some of them grieved like that…every time one of them looked at me for days..he would just sob. It has been many years and it still touches my heart when I think about it..

  47. Kelly, I’m so, so sorry. I know that pain all too well. Yes, even that early. Yes, even when you have other children. It is a deep pain.

    Praying for you all. And glad that at least you have the hope of eternity to cling to. That helps, some.

    FTR: My kids were pretty young when I went through 3 miscarriages in a row. They do know, though. Maybe because we have an all boy dynamic, or maybe they have a lot of dh’s personality, but they were all totally stoic about it. Concerned for me because I was obviously hurting. But regarding the babies, they consider them part of the family. Just in heaven. They are more open than I am about talking about their 3 siblings that never made it to birth. For them the idea is totally organic to their worldview, and in a way that was a blessing. They experienced some disappointment, but not painful loss, and await the day when they get to meet those siblings in heaven. 🙂

  48. I am so very sorry. Thank you for sharing. The Lord is your portion (which is so evident in your writing). I will pray for you and your husband and children.

  49. I’m so sorry for your loss. But it truly is an inspiration to hear how loved that little one was so early on! Thank you for sharing.

  50. Again I read, and am so grateful for all your tender words of comfort. I am wishing so much to reply individually, to each story, each heartache and each personal suffering. In our trials, isn’t it a comfort to know we do not walk alone? Thank you all for sharing. It has been a hard week, some of what I did not expect. I am so thankful for these continuing words of comfort from my sisters.

  51. Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss. I have to admit, as we have also trusted the number of children we have to the Lord, I become nervous about how the end of my child bearing years will come about. Your example encourages me even through my fear. Thank you. May God comfort and bless you richly during this time.

  52. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have my own precious baby waiting for me in heaven, along with 3 nephews. I take comfort in the fact that my Lord and loving Savior, Jesus, has them all in his arms. I am thankful to know that this is not the end, and though we feel the loss and pain here, one day we will all be reunited. Your precious little one is rejoicing in the arms of Jesus with my sweet baby, awaiting our arrival. What a precious promise! I will be praying for you as you heal and grieve.

  53. Hi Kelly,

    I have been going through this very same thing this summer while encouraging younger moms to cherish the moments as the end comes before we know it. My husband and I have trusted the Lord for children since we were married 17 years ago and have had 9 in that time frame with a miscarriage in between our 1st and 2nd. I had my 9th when I was 40 and instead of being pregnant again until term—I have gotten pregnant and miscarried between 4 and 6 weeks both times(April and June). It has been so sad as I am 42 and realize that this may be it, although we are all praying for just one more if the Lord wills ;-). I have been seeing everything through a different light as I think I may never use my baby items for anymore of my babies or wear maternity clothes or give birth. Most would think we would be like: ‘whew, I’m done,’ but it’s quite the opposite. Just as we trusted God as to when and how many we now have to trust God if this is it. Prov 3:5-6. Looking back I realize that the childbearing years are truly short and go by so fast!! Thank you for sharing. It’s been amazing reading all of the similar testimonies on here.

  54. Dear Kerry
    You’ve probably got many similar stories, just want to say I’m so sorry. I went through exactly the same. Eight beautiful healthy babies, though two miscarriages between first and second child. Had my Eight Blessing a month before my 41st birthday, knew he was a miracle baby (taking in account I’m 40), but still for not one moment thought he could be my last baby.
    My first miscarriage after 40 was such a huge shock and the pain for my children devastating. Never thought about this side of surrendering my womb to the Lord. I’m now halfway to 44 years old and had another two miscarriages. It is even harder to explain going through this, than to try and explain to people why we left our family size to the Lord.
    Praying for you and your precious family, dear Blog Friend!

  55. Kelly, I am very sorry for the loss of your baby. My heart sank as I read this post. Your children are beautiful and tender and I am sorry for the loss of their little brother or sister.

    We have lost 3 children to miscarriage. Our 1st conceived and then 2 more between our oldest and 2nd child. My daughter was only 2 at the time but she knew. She is now 7 and still asks about the babies “that went to heaven”. She likes to hear about them and I like to tell her about them. They are part of our family and one day we hope to meet all our children face to face when we are called home. Until then I hang 3 tiny silver angels on our Christmas tree every year to remember them and have them close, even if it is just for a season.

    God bless you and keep you. Thank you for sharing your story. It was very brave of you.

  56. Hi Kelly,

    I’ll be praying for you and your family. We lost one 2 months ago, early on as well. I know what you mean about packing up the dreams, as well as that beautiful peace that transcends all understanding. With both of our miscarriages, we took comfort in naming that child, and it helps our children to refer to them with names…Asher and Tobiah. (“Blessing” and “God is Good”) You may have already done this, but I thought I would share just in case.

    Thank you for sharing your sweet story.

  57. I had my first miscarriage 2 days ago. I am 42, so I knew I was at risk, but I guess I didn’t really think it would happen. It was twins, they would’ve been our first set of twins, we feel doubly sad. We hadn’t announced our pregnancy to anyone really, which is also hard because you feel like you have to pretend all is fine. They would’ve been our 7th and 8th children, and most people we know were negative about number 6… so we weren’t looking forward to announcing this time. But it’s hard to pretend they never existed either, our own household knows and are sad. Anyway, I wanted to say thank you for posting about this, it was helpful and comforting, and I’m sure it is to many others, even if they don’t comment.

  58. Oh Klecia,

    I mourn with you, over the loss of your sweet baby. I appreciate your commenting. It sure is hard, especially when you feel you are grieving alone. I would not hesitate to tell people about your loss, no matter what their opinion, and share the grief you feel. May the Lord comfort your heart and those of your husband and children.

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